In July 2011, our family lost our oldest son, Tyler, when he took his own life. For many years I could barely say the word suicide — maybe he took his own life were the words that were the least painful.

Tyler was 25 years old when he passed from this earth. He was going to school and working part-time in the construction business. His death was a shock for all of us, including friends and family. Why would a brilliant, kind, caring, loyal, and loved person take their own life?

As a mother, I was devastated. As someone who works in construction, I was angry that the industry I love did not acknowledge the rising rates of suicide in construction. For every 100,000 construction workers, 45.3 will end up committing suicide. This is compared to the national average of 14.2, which means that a person working in construction is 3.5 times more likely to take their own life.

This is the question we all have: “Why is suicide so prevalent in our society and in the construction industry?” How could this happen? ”He/she was doing great,” “I thought he/she would be okay,” or “No way, suicide?” Well, it can happen, and it can happen to just about anyone — in any stage in life, any profession, male or female, young or old, and at any time. Is this a mental illness crisis? What exactly is going on you might ask?

The love I have for the construction industry is why I share my story now. I find the universe gives us signs along our way. Every day, one of the signs I see of my son’s incredibly meaningful life is the Christmas lights that he helped us put up before he died; almost 12 years later, they are still shining bright.

For those of us who have experienced a loss from suicide, we often use words like “mental health challenge,” “personal wellbeing,” or in the case of work-related terminology “worker wellbeing.” Just because you are dealing with work and personal stress — maybe occasional drinking or having a really down or depressed time in your life — does not make you mentally ill (in my opinion).

If you know someone who has a substance abuse issue or is being professionally treated, that takes on a whole other level of support and help. The key here is paying attention to yourself, a loved one, a personal friend, associate, or anyone that is experiencing a challenge in their life.

Looking back in hindsight, we didn’t recognize the significance of some of the messages and signs, which is what I now know as active listening. We believed this was a phase; we offered up solutions, and in the situations where our son listened to us and actually tried some of the solutions, there was success. But it was not sustained success in his acknowledgement and treatment with his depressed state of mind. How I wish I really knew about the resources available back then.

Tyler tried to obtain treatment on his own from a mental health professional and was told by three different providers that the wait was a few months or that they were not accepting new patients. If only our family had the knowledge and understanding of what was really going on, then we could have helped with his quest for services and real therapeutic help.

Our family and me personally missed so many signs with Tyler. For example:

• Talking about feeling trapped or in unbearable pain
• Talking about being a burden to others
• Increasing the use of alcohol or drugs
• Acting anxious or agitated or behaving recklessly
• Sleeping too little or too much
• Withdrawing or isolating themselves
• Showing rage or talking about seeking revenge
• Extreme mood swings

So now you know a little bit of the story and why my mission in life (outside of my regular job) is to help others understand and take action in their lives, their company, or their sphere of influence. As a part of the learning cycle, our family and our company developed a toolbox of resources in the event we are part of a situation that might involve someone thinking about suicide. Here are some examples.

Toolbox of Resources

1. Mental health resources with company or personal insurance plan.
2. Work with third-party resources, such as Youturn Health and other local/national providers.
3. Talking with others (human resources department, family, friends, or others). Speak up!
4. Outside resources in the community for suicide prevention and help.
5. Use of hard hat stickers, wallet cards, and posters.
6. A medical professional — know your options.
7. Workshops, the use of caring messages, and other resources.

I am often asked “how did you survive” this experience. Well, the first year of Tyler’s death is basically dead to me; I have very little memory of events that year. When I speak with other survivors that have suffered a loss (from suicide, illness, drug overdose, etc.), they often tell me the first year is a wash, and they barely made it through their own pain and suffering. But there is hope and healing from a major loss, and everyone has their own path and timeline. Even within my own family, we experienced our grief and healing differently.

My hope and healing path involved learning as much as I could about suicide, the resources available, and exploring programs to help our employees, friends, and others in the construction industry and in life. Along the way, I learned to “lean in” to the grief and surround myself with positive people and messages.

Many survivors from a loss find others around them don’t want to continue to talk about their loved one and the loss, no matter the reason. I have learned to ask other survivors to tell me their loved one’s name and to share a funny or special story about that person. I have become an “active listener” — don’t judge, be curious about their story, and listen and support their process.

Another part of the survival process is the act of forgiveness. This might be forgiving yourself (could I have done more?), forgiving others, and even forgiving the person that took their life.

In 2017, my husband brought me a movie to watch called “The Shack.” His message was, “Just watch it; it might help.” The movie is awesome and helped me pay attention to and understand my own forgiveness process. Until you forgive yourself and others, the journey will remain a challenge. 

In March 2022, I was asked to present live with Cal Beyer (Vice President of Workforce Risk and Worker Wellbeing at Holmes Murphy) at the joint meeting of CFMA’s Colorado and Pikes Peak Chapters in Castle Rock, CO. The event focused on bringing awareness about suicide and suicide prevention in construction.

Going live is a big ask for me, and I really needed to be okay with telling Tyler’s story live and in person. So, I asked the universe for a sign, and when we arrived at the event location, there was a 40-foot wall of angels; I got my sign that day.

We can make a difference, be the light for others, and bring this important topic to light in our industry.